Slow Down

A couple of days ago I had heard a song that hit close to home.  I was sitting at work listening to K-Love radio like I do every day and this song by Nichole Nordeman comes on.  The title was Slow Down and the lyrics are as follows- “Here’s to you, you were pink or blue and everything I wanted.  Here’s to you, never sleeping through, from midnight till the morning.  Had to crawl before you walked, before you ran, before I knew it you were trying to free your fingers from my hand ‘Cause you could do it on your own somehow.  Slow down, won’t you stay here a minute more.  I know you want to walk through the door, but it’s all too fast.  Let’s make it last a little while, I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly.  I am your biggest fan, I hope you know I am, but do you think you can somehow slow down. Here’s to you, every missing tooth, every bedtime story. Here’s to Barbie cars, light saber wars, sleeping in on Sunday. Had to crawl before you walked, before you ran, before I knew it you were teaching me the only thing love can.  Hold hands through it, when it’s scary, you’ve got me. Slow down. Won’t you stay here a minute more. I know you want to walk through the door, but it’s all too fast. Let’s make it last a little while, I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly.  I am your biggest fan, I hope you know I am, but do you think you can somehow slow down. Please don’t roll your eyes at me, I know I’m embarrassing, but someday you’ll understand, you’ll hold a little hand, ask them if they can…. I am your biggest fan, I hope you know I am, but do you think you can somehow slow down……Slow down.”

As I’m listening to this song it was like there was a movie playing in front of me.  Through tear filled eyes I watched as each ones birth flashed in front of me and the whirl wind our lives have been since the minute each one of them has entered this world.  I’m always saying “if I could stop time I would, because they are growing up too fast.”  and they really are.  Our son will be 6 in 2 very short weeks and our daughter will be 2 in 2 months.  How is that even possible?  It feels like yesterday that they were both these little peanuts balled up on my chest and needing me for absolutely everything.  Now our son can dress himself, use the bathroom without any help, knows how to run the tv(better then me some days) can play a game of zombies with dad and make it to round 30.  He’s so independent, then to add to it all he’s going to be in kindergarten in the fall. What? no, not my baby.  A part of me always feels like I made him grow up too fast, and to be honest we probably did.  It kills me that he’s growing up so fast and now the reality is setting in that he isn’t just mine anymore, because he has little friends in town that come over and play and take my time away from him.  Last night his little friend A was over and my husband heard the words “you want to play house?” echo across the yard….oh lord and so it begins.  Despite the fact that he is growing so fast and there are many days I fear that I’m not doing my job right, the little things he does reassures me that I am doing something right.  He’s so polite, he always thanks me for making him dinner, he uses the phrases ma’am and sir.  He’s always giving me hugs and saying he loves me, and the part of his dad that came out in a big way last night was he told his dad that they had to walk his friend home to make sure she got there safe….WOW, 6 years old and he’s already a gentleman, that would be dads handy work there.

Then there’s our daughter she’s becoming so independent too, granted not as much as her brother, but I look at her and think just stop, no more, no more learning new words, no more learning how to color just stay right where you are.  When she came along I did things so different then I did with her brother.  I didn’t push her to crawl, walk, talk, I want her to do it all on her terms.  She still likes to hold my hand when we walk and sometimes be carried down the stairs which helps me not feel so useless to them, but there are so many things where she gives me attitude when I try to help her like she’s saying “mom, chill I got this.”  No, no you don’t you need me to do it all for you, but reality is a hard bite to swallow when you realize that no they don’t need you to do it all anymore.  She’s learning how to put her pants on, they are usually backwards or upside down and both legs are in one but she’s trying.  She says, more, meow meow for the cat, momma, dad, hot, hi; she’s always trying to find some way to sit with the dog and the love she has for her big brother just makes you smile.  Every day he gets off the bus she will greet him and try to talk to him, it usually consists of a bunch of hums followed by an excited scream and giggle then she hugs him.  If I go to feed the dog and cat there are times she’ll try to push me out of the way so she can do it all.  It’s really hard to take in how much they are growing and becoming little people.  It’s all too fast and really honestly they need to slow down.

I once posted something like this on Facebook: Before I was a mom I would spend money on just me, my hair was dyed every 6 weeks just about, I would get my nails done all the time. Once I’d get off work in the summer I’d run to the river and spend the day on the water.  It was all about me, I always looked my best never left the house without makeup.  Slept in until 2, had the best jeans, shirts and shoes that a girl could ask for.  Then these little humans entered my life and it was a total 180.  I was lucky if I would get 4 hours of sleep, my hair gets dyed and cut when the pay checks allow, my nails get done when I feel like doing something for myself which isn’t often.  Summers consist of getting off of work and going home to do yard work and make sure kids are lathered in sunscreen and mosquito spray.  I hardly wear makeup unless we go to town and sometimes not even then.  I hate shopping for clothes for myself.  The toll of carrying two human lives inside my body looks back at me everyday in the mirror with the stretch marks of love that will forever be there.  I’m constantly tripping over toys.  I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night.  BUT, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.  The sound of feet running across the floor above me, the giggles that echo through the house even hearing my son yell no at his sister.  The nights of little to no sleep, the cuddles from sick babies, kissing boo boo’s, walking into a room to see their imaginations unfold with whatever they are playing with.  All the adventures I’m so blessed and thankful for.  In the last couple of years I find myself trying my hardest to take in every moment and cherish every single one because I once read something that said “cherish every moment with your baby, because you never know when that moment might be the last. Having the baby fall asleep on your chest, holding them a certain way, the last bottle you give them.”  and it’s so true.  I didn’t know the last time either of them were going to fall asleep on my chest or the last time I was going to hold them that certain way so they’d fall asleep.  So every moment for me is such an important one.

No one told me how hard it was going to be to watch my babies grow up.  I’d always heard when they hit that age where they move out, it’s a hard day to get through, there are a lot of tears both happy and sad and you pray you did your best at teaching them to make the right decisions.  I know we have a LONG way to go before that point, but at the rate its going it feels like it’s right around the corner.  We have a while before we get to fast cars and their first dates and my husband and I embarrassing them in front of their friends, and watching them walk across that stage, so I’ll thank God every day for giving me another day with them to watch them grow, learn and become even more amazing.

The love that these two have taught me is incredible.  I had no idea that I could love like this.  They are apart of me, they will always be my babies yes, but I know the day will come when I’ll have to let go and let them live.  Live the life that they are supposed to live, make mistakes as teenagers, adults, even as spouses and parents.  I know the day will come when I have to say I’ve done all I can to try and teach them life lessons to get them through on there own, but I’ll always be here to hold their hand again and walk with them through difficult times and give advice when they ask and need it.  I really do pray I’m doing this right.

my babies, I am your biggest fan I hope you know I am, but do you think you can somehow slow down?  I love you with my every being, and don’t you ever forget it…..

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