Piece by piece

I’ve come to the conclusion that a large amount of Kelly Clarkson’s songs hit really close to home for me.  I’ve recently had a handful of people walk away from me, some of those people meant everything to me and I never expected to be stabbed in the back by them or even have them turn their backs on me.  But from these crappy experiences I’ve learned so much about those people in general and I’ve grown from it myself, I’ve also learned a lot about the people that surround me with love during this.

Almost 2 years ago I chose to stop talking to someone who I’d been pretty much fighting with for what seemed like all the time over numerous amounts of things,  I couldn’t handle the roller coaster they had me on anymore so I said I was done.  A little over a year ago I took an even bigger hit when I was starting to work up the courage to fix this for the third time and they decided to send me a nasty message that ripped my heart out of my chest for the third and final time and pretty much tore it apart then proceeded to throw it under a bus and run over it a couple of times.  I read the message while I was standing in my dads kitchen and completely fell apart.  I couldn’t believe what I just read.  It burned. It felt like my entire chest was on fire and I didn’t know how to make it go away.  No matter how tight my dad squeezed me or how many hugs my step mom gave me they couldn’t make it better, it helped a little though.  So I went to find my other rock and hoped to God he could make it feel better and go away.  I went downstairs to find my husband and when I did I completely lost it again.  My knees went weak and felt like I couldn’t hold myself up anymore.  He held on to me, even though he had absolutely no idea why I was falling apart, it didn’t matter.  He grabbed me and held on to me as tight as he could until I cried my last tear, he never said a word in that time just held on to me.  Once I pulled myself together and was able to tell him why I was hysterical, he picked up the pieces of my heart that had shattered all over the kitchen floor upstairs and started to once again put them back together.   After calming down and having time to reflect on the message I came to the conclusion, you want to walk away from me?  There’s the door don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out.
Every once in a while I think about that message and think along with don’t let the door hit you on the way out, I’m not promising that once you walk out that door, that it will ever open again.  It’s not that I never want to open that door again, but Cher said it best when she sang “words are like weapons, they wound sometimes.” And these wounds are extremely deep and are going to take a LONG time to heal.  There will always be scars left, and just like physical scars you look at them and think about what happened to cause it, which is almost as bad as scratching the scab off of a wound sometimes.  “I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me because of you, I am afraid.” This line in the song Because of you by Kelly Clarkson hits it straight on.  My trust in others since all of this happened is shot.  If you hadn’t had my trust before all this happened you won’t get it now.  I have a really hard time trusting people, it’s hard not to especially once you’ve been burned by people you never thought in a million years would burn you they way they have me.

I’ve forgiven everyone in my life that has hurt me, screwed me over or even talked trash about me and made me out to be the bad guy because that is what God has told us to do, is to forgive.  But no where in the bible does it tell you to continue to let those that have hurt you over and over and over again back in your life.  “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that place, as a testimony against them.” Mark 6:11.  When I think of that verse and then think of all the times I tried to fix what was going on and it would constantly back fire I feel like that’s the only other choice I had.  After that person chose to walk away, I had to shake the negativity and toxicity of it all off of me and find peace in my heart again.  Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean you are welcome back in to my life though.  I don’t need toxic relationships in my life, they exhaust me and they really aren’t healthy for either party.  I turn into a nasty and mean person when I’m around those types of relationships, I don’t even really know who I am when I’m like that.  I snap at my husband, the kids, the dog and cat, and that’s not fair to any of them.  Granted my husband married me and knew I had a pissy side, but he’d never seen me be nasty and mean like I have been at times, and the kids didn’t sign up for that and neither did he really. I don’t like who I am when I’m like that because that’s not me and that stands in the way of me being the mom and wife I want to be. (picture credit: pinterest)

For the last 8 years my husband has been picking up the broken pieces of my heart that have been shattered from numerous things and slowly putting them back together to make my heart whole again.  He picked up the pieces from my grandma’s death and I’ve learned to accept it so much better now than I ever had.  He picked up the pieces from my parents divorce and I’ve learned to accept the fact that I have a larger family now with a step mom, but that I’m also not alone in the “my parents are divorced” category which I always knew just didn’t want to accept it.   He picked up the pieces from so many other things so why would this be any different?  For almost 2 years he’s been picking up the pieces that this individual has chipped/hacked off of my heart.  About once every couple of months it just gets to me and I go to him to lift me back up while I fall apart.  It’s not an easy thing to deal with, I fight with it almost every day and he knows that.   Me, knowing that all I have to do is walk up to him and walk into his chest and he wraps his strong arms around me and just squeezes tight helps me stay strong.  When I’m in his arms it feels like everything is ok again.  For those few minutes that we stand there the entire world around us freezes and all that there is is him and I fighting the world.  He’s my best friend and my biggest support.  He’s never walked away from me, he’s always been there to tell me it will all be ok.  I’ll never forget the day I had such a bad day at school when I was at NDSU that I left and skipped some classes it was so bad.  I called him and was just sobbing, he told me it would all be ok and he’d be home that night to hold me and then it really will be ok.  I couldn’t wait that long I needed his arms around me sooner than that.  So I drove a half hour to his job, text him and told him to meet me outside and he did.  He took an early lunch, came out and wrapped his arms around me and told me it will all be ok.  That gesture in itself has always made me feel so much better.  I just melt in his arms when I hear that because I know he loves me so much and I love him just as much if not more.  Not only is he my rock, I think as the kids get older they are going to see how much of a rock he is for them too.  He’ll never walk away from any of us, he saw how much it shattered my world when this all came to a head with this individual and all the wounds that he’s had to fill with love, he could never do that to our kids and neither could I.  That hurt that sits in my heart every day I couldn’t imagine doing to those two babies, they don’t deserve that………no child does no matter what age they are.  The abandoned feeling is the worst thing to feel and try to work through.
Not every lyric hits the nail on the head or even makes me think about my dad, cause we are good, in the song Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson, but it still hits a nerve when I hear it and makes me think of that individual and there are a few tears that have to be fought back.
“But piece by piece he collected me up off the ground, where you abandoned things, yeah
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me at six years old and you know, He never walks away, he never asks for money, he takes care of me ‘Cause he loves me
Piece by piece he restored my faith that a man can be kind and a father could stay. Piece by piece I fell far from the tree, I will never leave her like you left me, and she will never have to wonder her worth. Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know, he’ll never walk away, he’ll never break her heart, he’ll take care of things, he loves her”
And I will never leave them like you left me………………

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