Hello…..it’s me.

Adele’s song Hello is I think absolutely beautiful.  Whenever I hear it I just want to belt it with her, but most of the time I’m in my office and if someone were to walk in and hear me I would die.  I hate singing in front of people, totally freaks me out.  Anyway, there have been times that when I hear it and sing along, quietly, I tear up and my voice breaks.  I have to stop for a minute and pull myself together.  There’s a meaning there for me that I just couldn’t seem to put my finger on.  I was curious why she wrote it, you see the video and think right away that it’s because of a break up she had somewhere along her life that she’s trying to come to terms with, at least that’s what I got out of it.  So curiosity got the best of me and I looked up the meaning behind it.  WELL I learned I was totally wrong on that and apparently so is everyone else that has heard it.  In an interview with Matt Lauer of “Today” Adele shared that the song is actually about her reconnecting with herself and everyone else.  She said the lyrics “from the other side” is because she had a really hard time getting over the guilt of leaving her son to go and write songs and record them and that was something that she had to get over and get on the other side of that.

For such a beautiful song to have an actual meaning that isn’t as deep as many think it is and as deep as the video shows, goes to show you how amazing she is at writing it on the paper and delivering it in such an amazingly beautiful and yet haunting mood is art at it’s best.  She is genuinely a one of a kind artist.  She knows how to deliver her music to her audience so that it touches so many in so many different ways.  One person might take a song of hers and use it as an anthem for themselves for a break up, for revenge for whatever they may need to use it for.  The next person might look into the lyrics a lot deeper and use them to help heal.  Whatever reason someone may translate a song into something for their life, she has the songs to do it.

When I finally knew all the words to “Hello” I started to really analyze the lyrics.  I started to relate the song to me and what I’m currently going through.  I would listen to the song and just stare off into space and think about my mom.  Think about her calling me and saying some of the thing she’s said to me and now that she wants everything to be ok again every time I hear the lyrics “I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.  To go over everything, they say that times supposed to heal ya but I aint done much healing.”  I can’t help but imagine her doing this to me.  Calling me and asking after 2 years if we could go over everything.  But right now I’m working on me, and she needs to work on her and that’s just the way it needs to stay right now because I still need to heal.  I can’t say I know for sure or not if time will heal this, cause I really haven’t done much healing.  So every time I heard those words I couldn’t help but think that until today when I read what the true meaning behind it was.  I really took the time to read the lyrics this morning and think about them the way she may have written them and relate to them in a different way.

In the last two and a half years with what’s been going on with my mom and I, at one point I lost me.  I was trying so hard to fix things between her and I in the beginning that all my energy would go to that.  Then after the no contact with her went into effect I was still loosing me.  I would sit and dwell on all that was said and let it dig deeper wounds, in turn making bigger scars.  Then when I got tired of trying to deal with it all I tried to bury it.  That didn’t help it was starting to consume my life almost completely.  No matter how hard I tried to forget about it and let it go I couldn’t.  I was becoming a monster myself.  Taking the stupidest and smallest things out on my husband, the kids, the dog, the cat everyone that was in my path would get screamed at.  That wasn’t fair and when that realization slapped me in the face I totally lost it.  I laid in a chair on the porch in a ball and just fell apart completely.  It’s a hard reality to swallow when you realize the person you’ve become is the person you never wanted to and that’s why you left your previous job so you would stop being that person.  I’ve wondered a year later if the negativity that was coming off of me when I came home from work was really because I was pissed off about what happened at work or if it was the issues with her weighing me down.  In the days before my total melt down I had discovered what had been happening to me, and it started when my brother graduated from high school and moved out, I did everything I could to find out what I could about emotional abuse.  I researched it, was this a real thing or just something I had made up in my head.  Well it’s a real thing, and I’m learning ways to deal with it and dealing with it in my own way.  That melt down was a combination of everything that had built up for years and I laid it all out on that chair with every tear that fell.  In that moment I hated who I was, who I had become.  I saw myself as the things she said I was.  A bad mom, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad sister, I just felt like a bad person.  I’d become the mom I didn’t want to be, the mom that yelled at her kids over absolutely that stupidest thing you could get upset over and yell about.  I’d become the wife that had shut down on the house and all my chores I needed to do, making dinner for my husband and making a nutritional meal for the family in general.  In that second I realized I had completely lost who I was and I was not ok with it.  This wasn’t me, the hate that burned fiercely in my heart, the hurt that kept making me wonder why, the negativity, all of it was forming me into this monster of a person and really I wouldn’t have blamed anyone for turning their backs on me in the time that I had become a monster.  It was hard to not become one since I was fighting a demon every day.

After falling apart I told myself no more.  No more screaming at the kids for no reason, I’m not going to keep that cycle going I’m breaking it.  No more excuses for not doing house work or having breakfast ready for my family when they wake up in the morning.  No more making up excuses to eat like crap because I don’t feel like taking the time to prep meals for my family.  No more excuses for not taking the kids out, despite the fact that the mosquitoes are terrible and try to eat you alive the moment you walk out the door.  No more excuses for anything.  I’m going to work on me.  Rumor has it she’s working on her, great she needs to and I need to work on me before we can work on us.  There’s a lot there to work on with me and eventually I’ll get there.  I’ve gotten better since that melt down on the porch.  I’ve learned that yes I need to deal with it, but there’s a time and a place and all day at home, at work, in the store, in the car, everywhere isn’t the places to deal with it.  I deal with it when my husband has the time to sit down and listen to me spill what I’ve decided to work on at that moment.  I deal with it when the kids are sleeping and I’ve learned that dealing with one instance or situation at a time gets me to a better place and is easier to work on.  When I try to deal with ALL of it at once it back fires and that’s when I shut down and turn into the monster I don’t want to be. I’m working on getting on the other side of all of this, the side that realizes that it happened there’s nothing I can do to change that it happened then accepting it and moving on. In a matter of three weeks I’m starting to see the glimmer of who I was before all of this happened.  I’m starting to see the mom and wife I’ve always wanted to be, again.  I’m learning to forgive myself for the things that I did, for the yelling at the kids and all the damage I may have caused them.  I’m forgiving myself with them because I see them forgiving me.  Even though I yelled at them for stupid things, when I get home from work that little girl lets out the worlds biggest squeal and runs at me and pretty much jumps in my arms and gives me the worlds biggest hug.  Johnny will come and give me a hug out of nowhere all the time and say he loves me just cause.  Those are things that tell me that they have forgiven me and that helps me to forgive myself for what I’ve done.  I’m still not proud of it but dwelling on what I did isn’t going to help, I need to look forward and work towards who I am.   Find myself with out the negativity and toxicity that these events brought on me.  Find the me that I’ve always wanted to be and still can be.  And when I do take a moment to see if I’ve made progress and I see that I have and that I’m becoming the person my husband married I can’t help but smile.  I’ve been doing that a lot better too, granted I still have tears that he sees, but I’m smiling more often than I did.  All of that negativity was taking my smile away.  my husband even said it had faded in the past couple years and all he wanted was that shining smile back.  I’m glad that I’m smiling again, it makes me feel better and I know how much my husband loves to see it.

Hello from the other side,  I must’ve called a thousand times.  To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done,
 But when I call you never seem to be home. Hello from the outside.  At least I can say that I’ve tried, to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart.  But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.”  I’m not letting the heart break tear me apart anymore. 

Here’s to finding me…….the real me.

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